Dear Alcohol,
How are you? Did you have a good time last night? Judging by the messages that my now former friends have left, it appears you did. Those shananigans you pulled will certainly not soon be forgotten or I fear, forgiven.
Ok enough of the pleasantries. There is no point delaying this any longer. While I knew this day might come, I didn’t think it would be today, but here goes.
You went too far last night and I will once again pay some serious consequences for your actions. Because of this, it is time we part ways.
Of course, I would like to give you an ear-full this morning, but as is always the case, you are now AWOL. Sure enough however, you have left your calling card.
I will tell you right now I am not amused to find that the right side of my face is embedded with kitty litter. The first time you plopped me down face first into the litter box as my final resting spot was mildly amusing, but after the 10th time…well now you are scarring me, quite literally in fact, as I don’t think some of this litter can be removed without surgery. I mean it looks like I was shot in the face with a cannon loaded with kitty litter.
I have a few other bones to pick with you as well buster, so let’s review a few things from the night before shall we.
First, mocking the accent of the cab driver was completely out of line and totally uncalled for, especially since he wasn’t Chinese, even though you insisted his last name (Long) was. What part of “I am fifth generation Irish Canadian” didn’t you understand?
And why on God’s green acre did you hug it out with him when he got you home safe and sound? He politely asked you not to. Of course, you did it anyway and took it beyond comfortable when the hug went into minute number 3. The poor guy was flailing around like a salmon trapped in the jaws of a hungry Grizzly bear.
Did his desperate pleas for someone to call 911 not alert you to the fact that the hug had ventured into a grey area that could best be described as a non-violent assault. Nope.
How about when he started crying? Still no lights going on. And when he head-butted you? Again no dots connecting. And when he finally got an arm free and maced you. Yeah that seemed to be the ticket wasn’t it.
While I am grateful he missed my eyes, do you know how awful mace tastes? It’s like gargling with liquefied garbage. I still have mace breath this morning and I am worried my taste buds might be permanently disabled. Seriously, everything tastes like air. Thanks alcohol.
I must be honest and say this is very painful, mostly because I have just discovered that I have 3 broken fingers on my writing hand. Your boneheaded decision to violently high five that statue of Ronald McDonald was a really stupid idea. What was even worse was when you got pissed and then tackled it, dislocating my shoulder in the process.
But the kicker was taking it captive. I still can’t believe you got it into the cab. While I realize that Ronald’s size 25 feet had to stick out the back window, were you aware we took out a stop sign, 3 mail boxes and about 8 side view mirrors.
I guess I have bigger concerns though. I am looking at Ronald right now. How the hell am I going to get him out of here. The thing is like 12 feet tall. Body bags don’t even come in that size, unless I double bag him.
By the way, I just removed the garbage bag you had over his head. Why did you duct tape his mouth? Were you worried he might call out for help; that his peeps, the Hamburgler and Grimace, might show up to free him?
Oh wait a minute! Tell me you didn’t do this! Did you really create a YouTube video last night. Oh, holy shit! You are holding Ronald hostage!? And is that a Darth Vader helmet that you are wearing? Where the hell did you get that?
So let me see if I got this straight. Darth Vader is holding Ronald McDonald hostage? Nice. Oh and that is a great list of demands you are asking for to guarantee Ronnie’s safe return.
- A UFC sanctioned fight between Ronald McDonald and the Burger King.
- Condoms included in the happy meal thus upgrading it to a really happy meal.
- A warning on all coffee cups that reads, “This beverage is very hot. Do not pour contents into your lap, stick your hand in it to check it’s temperature, or throw it in your own face as it will scald and disfigure you horribly.”
And what were we doing at McDonald’s anyway. I am a vegetarian. I don’t eat there…EVER!
Anyway, this is the last straw. I am done with you. You have made an ass of me for the last time.
Sincerely,
Someone who is now comprised of 0% alcohol
*****
All events above are fictional, unless someone can prove otherwise.
However, if you do drink, do so in moderation and please be safe.
To an idea worth quitting,
Dean
ps…Starting today I am experimenting with the idea of making all my work UNcopyrighted. What does this mean? It means you may do with it what you like. You do not need my permission. While I would prefer you give me credit if you do use it, the final choice will be yours. Enjoy and forward this freely.
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