It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.
~ Robert Burney~
For the most part, it is safe to say everyone has boundaries. The issue is many don’t enforce them.
For instance, I know of someone who has a tenant who has not been paying his rent. In his effort to be fair and just, he provided extension after extension after extension for the tenant. Now this person is owed in excess of $20,000 in outstanding rent and it is doubtful he will ever have an opportunity to recoup his loses.
For a variety of reasons, he failed to enforce his boundaries in terms of what he expected from his tenant.
Now I am sure you are saying, “What! That would never happen to me.” Maybe not, maybe not in this area of life, but you might be surprised what areas it does creep in.
The subtle art of reinforcing boundaries…
The above is an extreme and, quite frankly, an obvious example of what happens when people fail to reinforce the boundaries that they verbally say they have.
But it is less obvious in other areas of our life because the cost extracted doesn’t appear as a dollar amount, but rather as an emotional psychological toll.
But I see examples all the time where people fail to enforce their boundaries.
I see people who say nothing when someone uses a tone or language that is inappropriate.
I see it in coffee shops when no one speaks up to let someone who is jumping the line know that they must wait their turn like everyone else.
I see it when someone accepts less than the best work from someone else.
I see it when people let others waste their time with gossip or whining and complaining thus preventing them from doing their own work.
I see it when people allow others to dump their problems off and them (and they then in turn accept them and attempt to solve them).
I see it when others do nothing to help someone else in trouble even though they know what they are witnessing is wrong.
I see it when employees refuse to take a stand against an abusive employer.
I see it when people don’t enforce their own personal boundaries whether it be with their diet, their exercise program, their finances, or the use of their time.
I see it when couples ignore the warning signs that might indicate something is not right in their relationship.
I see it when people fail to address tardiness.
Taking a stand…
The ability to reinforce your boundaries requires tremendous courageous. It requires the ability to accept the worst case scenario. It might mean pissing someone off. It might mean having someone walk out. It might mean loss of a job. It might mean the end of a relationship.
And while some of those losses seem devastating on the surface, we stand to lose a whole lot more if we don’t defend our territory.
We stand to have our self-respect ripped away from us.
I would argue that the root of bullying is exactly this. People are afraid to defend their own boundaries and thus, their area of influence diminishes over time to the point where they no longer own any personal real estate. They are then completely at the mercy of those (the bullies) who decide it is theirs to take.
How to reclaim lost boundaries…
Boundaries can be reclaimed, just like lost lands can. Here are 4 suggestions.
1. Sweat the small stuff…
The small stuff is everything. There is no big stuff, if you fight to eliminate the small stuff. While it is easier to turn a blind eye to those things, it will make all the difference in the world. Small things such as tone of voice, language used, promises not delivered are all the beginning to bigger problems if left unattended.
I had an example of this last week. I received an email from someone I am working with who inserted a lot of sarcasm in a response to a request I had. I could have simply ignored it, but I knew if I did, this was going to alter the dynamics of our relationship in a way that would eventually suck the life out of me.
So I fired off a response calling him out on his behaviour. I stated that if he did have any concerns with my requests he could simply call me to sort them out, but that sarcasm was not going to be the accepted norm. The changes in all follow up emails were noticed immediately.
2. Identify when a boundary has been breached…
When you feel irritated, hurt, annoyed, or angry with something, then a boundary has been infiltrated. Ignoring it is the last thing you should be doing in such instances. Keep track of things that are annoying you. You might be surprised to learn what borders have been attacked.
3. Resolve to address the issue…
Letting it go simply eats at the core of who you are and ends up playing itself out in a variety of other unhealthy ways. Resolve to come up with a plan to patch the breach.
4. Act…
It takes tremendous courage to stand up for YOU, but you are worth it. Do what you must to ensure your boundaries don’t implode upon you.
So give yourself the gift of a happy you and quit failing to establish and reinforce boundaries. While it is difficult in the beginning you will absolutely love yourself for doing it.
To an idea worth quitting,
Dean
*****
Dean Dwyer (that’s me) is on a mission to get people to quit the sh*t that is holding them back from being that person they desire to be and doing the work they desire to do. If you are seeing his work for the first time, why not subscribe and forward this to someone who could benefit from what he has to say. He does promise that if you meet him in person he will not talk to you in the third person.
