#960 Quit taking life so seriously3-The F-ATkins Diet (A Parody)

Because thin is just not in…

I am constantly being grilled by people who desperately want to know my secret on how I manage to maintain my overweight physique. The truth is, it’s a gift. Some people can speak to the dead, others can see into the future, I can convert lean muscle mass to fat.

The reality is, I have always struggled to control my weight and, although most wouldn’t be able to tell, I have been working out regularly for the last 20 years in an effort to do so. Unfortunately, I have not achieved my desired outcome. In 1985, I was 5 feet 8 inches, 165 lbs and 17% body fat. Today, I am 5 feet 6 inches, 195 lbs and 31 % body fat. At this rate, by the time I am 60 I will have the same body composition as a tub of margarine.

It’s frustrating because over the last 20 years, I have tried many weight loss programs, all with disappointing results. I was very upset with the lack of results I got from Richard Simmons “Swinging to the Oldies”. It’s my own fault though. I misread the title and thought it said “Swinging at the Oldies”.

Thus, boxing with senior citizens did nothing to promote weight loss. It’s like beating a statue until it falls over. Needless to say, I left the nursing home with a stellar 21-0 record, with 20 wins coming by one punch knockouts. In my last bout, the old bastard hit the floor as soon as I took his walker away.

I’m currently on the latest fitness craze called, “The Abs Diet”. Where others have lost 15 to 20 lbs in the first 4 weeks, I have gained 8 lbs. This “Flab Diet” has worked so well I now share the same characteristics as high quality toilet paper; we both have rolls and rolls of soft tissue.

As a result, I have decided to turn my gift for fat production into a positive. Based on facts I have completely fabricated, I have developed a sure-fire obesity enhancing program called, “The F-Atkins Diet.” The following is a synopsis of the major principles.

PRINCIPLE #1

Eliminate all carbohydrates and protein and focus on getting as much fat into your diet as possible.

Calorie Intake = 0% Protein + 0% Carbohydrates + 100% Fats

You must become especially adept at regularly ingesting those foods high in deadly trans fats (hydrogenated oils) and that fat in those chips that causes your bum to leak (motor oil?). By making a deposit of only a few ounces daily, your ingested fat will act like a high performing mutual fund. It will compound annually over “X” number of years, and before you know it, you will be eligible for “early” retirement.

PRINCIPLE #2

Simplicity! Simplicity! Simplicity! Unless you can count calories like Dustin Hoffman could count toothpicks in Rain Man, counting is a colossal waste of time and quite frankly, a little insulting to the majority of people who have worked hard to acquire unused university degrees. No one wants to be involved in a program that appears to be produced by Sesame Street. With my program, you will treat calories like alcohol; the more you consume the better those around you suddenly look.

PRINCIPLE #3

This is my favorite principle. You will need to drastically alter your eating schedule. Many diets promote eating 5 or 6 smaller meals evenly spread throughout the day, but by changing to my new “Flab” diet, you will be eating a humongous meal every hour on the hour. Unlike those restricting weight loss programs that insist you do not eat before going to bed, on my program not only is this a requirement, but break out those plastic sheets because 6 to 8 of your meals will actually be consumed while in bed.

PRINCIPLE #4

To help me take that plunge to obesity, I quit my exercise program cold turkey and developed the world’s first NO-Flex. The NO-Flex, a remote control battery powered Lazy Boy on wheels, is designed like “?” (please substitute any Hollywood/political tramp you feel fits this bill.  Examples include Tiger Woods, Paris Hilton, and Senator John Edwards to name a few) ; it offers absolutely no resistance when you get on it, thus preventing any of your muscles from flexing or contracting, which, as we know, burns off those valuable calories needed for massive weight gain. So lounge well knowing you will be the envy of all as you travel through your local mall in your undies and grease stained tank-top.

PRINCIPLE #5

Binge. But to foster an atmosphere of binging, rummage slowly, so as not to burn WANTED calories, through your cupboards and fridge and toss out all those healthy foods that you might be tempted to snack on that could cause needless healthy weight loss. The key to remember is that every healthy food has a fat-laden polar opposite.

I tossed out things such as apples, raw almonds, low fat cheese, power bars and mineral water and found their huge fatty ass insulin producing opposites: candy apples, chocolate covered almonds, cheese cakes, Toblerone bars and beer.

If you want to gain the maximum from this program and quickly stretch and reshape those once taut stomach muscles, focus on making these “power” foods a staple in your diet. Within no time, you will have abs that resemble the elastic band on those 5-year old jockey briefs you still wear.

The secret to gaining those wanted pounds…

I know some of you think it’s just not possible to have the success with F-Atkins I have had. Some of you rightly point to me and say, “But Dean, I just don’t have your lack of drive.”

Sure, you may not have my lack of drive now, but I am here to tell you success is possible.  By striving to remove those unwanted character traits that impede your success such as discipline, determination and self-esteem and substituting a healthy overdose of procrastination and lethargy, you will make unbelievable gains that you never thought possible.

So quit thinking thin is in cuz’ fat is so where it’s at.

To a ridiculous idea you should never ever consider quitting,

Dean

Tagged as: Atkins Diet, fat, quit being thin, Richard Simmons, weight gain