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I had the most frustrating experience yesterday. I was looking to download a plugin that I could use for this blog in the contact section.
For those who aren’t “plugged in” to the world of WordPress (the blogging platform I am using), a plugin is a free online application (think of it like a mini program) that lets you do a particular function without having to create it yourself.
So I finally found one by a dude who is, by all accounts, a good sized fish in the world of blogging. Here were the instructions…
| It works like this: download it, unzip it, put it in your plugins folder, activate and enter your e-mail address in the options panel, and you’re all done! |
It all sounded pretty freakin’ easy and being that I have done this type of thing numerous times before I figured this would be a piece of cake. So I downloaded, upzipped (hey no shenanigans here, I’m referring to the file), put it in my plugins folder, activated, and entered my email.
And then-NOTHING! So of course I do what I always do. I do the whole thing again because I assume I have made a mistake (which is generally the case.) Again nothing.
Now I’m getting a little frustrated. To make a long story short, he forgot to include the final step! After another 20 minutes of searching, I eventually found it, but the last step was so obtuse (you like that word…stole it from Shawshank Redemption) that I still didn’t know what I needed to do to make the damn thing work. I eventually deleted the plugin altogether.
It’s not me, it’s you…
I have been working with WordPress for about 15 months now, so I am fairly well versed in how to use it. The problem this dude made, that we all make on a consistent basis, is we assume that what we say is crystal clear.
I will be honest. When something goes wrong, I am usually at fault (except when I get a parking ticket where the city in question is clearly out to punish me, and me alone). But when it comes to communication, here’s the rub. If I don’t understand what you have said or written, then its you, not me. End of story.
And do you want to know something else? More often than not you suck at communicating your ideas. You just don’t know it.
Language Crimes…
The above sign is a great example of someone who thought they were communicating a very clear message.
| “Absolutely no cell-phones eating or drinking in the library.” |
Whoever put this lovely piece of literature together did a fair bit of work. They identified a problem, fired up the computer and typed that bad boy up, centered it all so it would space nicely over the entire page, spell checked it and printed it up.
Finally, they took their masterpiece and encased it in its nice plastic shrine to protect it from the elements, which I can only assume is the food and drink that they have said can no longer reside in the library.
But this person has set themselves up for trouble.
Do you see why?
Any clever 12 year old with a bag of unshelled peanuts and a Slurpee will see the loophole. When approached by library security (I feel sorry for this lot. How intimidating can you be when you have to whisper everything?) the delinquent will simply point to the sign and say, “Yo dude. My cell phone ain’t eating or drinking nothin’ so back up out of my grill for I supersize you sum whoop-ass.”
Ok judging from the dialogue I just wrote, I think I may have channeled a 12-year old Snoop Dogg, but you get my point. Because the commas were left out, the sign is now open to interpretation, even though the person who wrote it thought it was clear, concise, and to the point.
We do this all the time in our general conversation and never even realize it.
A Case Study…Me
Back in the days when I used to teach, I had to regularly issue tests to garner how much my flock had gleaned from the profound lessons I would extol. I would do this by giving them a written test (which in hindsight was very naive on my part because only a fraction of students are adequate at communicating what they know through this method…more on this in another post however).
I was probably in my seventh year of teaching, and I am pretty sure I was dumb enough to think I had the profession of teaching mastered. I can’t recall the subject or the test, but I was working with a group of grade 8 kids. I happened to take notice that one question I thought was particularly easy, was answered incorrectly by about 3/4 of the class.
I decided to pull one of my more articulate kids aside and ask why this was. Her answer made it very apparent that my question, which I thought was very clear, had multiple interpretations.
It dawned on me that even though I knew exactly the outcome I wanted, my words could be interpreted differently by different people for a whole variety of reasons including gender, race and cultural background.
| Footnote: This was the second Eureka moment I had in my life. The first was when I discovered the world was square. However, being that I was 5, no one took me seriously, largely because my body of proof hinged on the fact that my neighbour Billy, who was 3, told me that is was. |
So what did I do? I abruptly changed my teaching policy. From there on in, any student could challenge any question that I had marked incorrectly. They simply had to convince me why my question could be interpreted the way they had interpreted it. If their argument was sound and the answer provided was based on that same sound logic, I gave them full marks.
An experiment with communication…
Try this with your spouse, your child or use it at parties to impress a group of friends (please note however they won`t be impressed and will most likely downgrade you to “dork status.”)
Here is how it works. Tell someone how to draw a house, by simply giving them instructions…ie…OK, on the middle of the page draw one line 1cm in length on a 45 degree angle…then…
The rules are simple. You can’t see what they are drawing and you can only communicate in instructions. This makes sense really because if you simply tell them to draw a house, then the game is over about 3 seconds after it started and you will be secretly branded (with good reason) with some sort of learning disability or social disorder.
How successful will you be? More often than not, what they draw and what you told them to draw will not be the same.
Why?
The anatomy of bad communication...
There are 4 reasons we unknowingly communicate poorly.
1. We don’t realize the listener does not have access to the other thoughts and images in our head which have contributed to a particular thought or idea we have just shared .
This simply means that there are a bunch of facts and other background information that has led us to communicate what we have just said. Those on the other end only get the last part.
Think of it like a movie. If I simply tell you the end of it without sufficient back story, then you will have no clue what the heck I am talking about and will probably be really angry, especially if you are just walking into the theater to see that movie.
2. We are biased to our own communication
We assume that because we know what we want, and we say the words of what we want, that people will simply understand what we want. In others words, what we have just said is very clear to us so of course it must now be very clear to someone else.
3. The picture in our mind that we are trying to communicate is most likely not the same picture generated in the minds of our listener.
We generate a picture in our mind that helps us conceptualize a problem. We then choose words to clarify this image to others so they will understand. But keep in mind, what you are really asking someone to do is recreate the same picture in their mind with, in most cases, limited or insufficient information. They will not always be able to come to the same conclusions you are hoping because you have neglected the fact there are a whack of other thoughts in your mind that helped get to the thought you are now communicating.
4. Assuming someone understands simply because they say they understand.
I had this in teaching in all the time. I would explain what I wanted. My students would listen intently (well those who were awake would) . I would ask if everyone was clear and most would confidently nod yes. And yet a good percentage of the work submitted was not correct.
Initially it was easier for me to say they didn’t follow instructions clearly (which was sometimes the case) or they didn’t listen carefully (which was sometimes the case) but it soon dawned on me that many did follow the instructions and listen intently and yet still didn’t produce what I wanted.
It was then that I began to realize that in their own way they did understand, yet they had no way to know that the picture that I generated in their minds was not the same as the one I had in mine. Consequently they thought they knew exactly what I wanted.
When you think about this, the implications are immense within the context of our relationships. Think of how you might improve your communication with…
- your kids to become a more incredible parent
- your spouse or significant other to become a more loving husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend
- your coworkers or employees to become a more effective employee or a really great boss
- your friends to become less of a jackass (just checking to see if you are reading this)
So how can you start implementing this?
Communication Hacks…
1. Assume you will communicate poorly and open up avenues for people to ask further questions if misunderstandings do occur.
2. Think of communication in terms of drawing a picture. You have a picture in your head that you want the other to be able to draw. Give them enough information so they can duplicate that picture.
3. Ask more probing questions to see if people really do understand what you mean? Asking, “Do you understand?” is just stupid. Most think they do, and the rest will say they do because they think they should and don’t want to look like a complete weiner by saying they don’t.
4. Accept responsibility for breakdowns in communication. It is far easier to blame others than to blame ourselves. But more often than not you made the fatal assumption you communicated clearly when you didn’t. Step up and admit you obviously weren’t as clear as you thought you were.
5. Stop thinking that by simply repeating the same information over and over again, saying it louder, saying it more slowly or with a bit of enthusiasm is going to change the outcome if they didn’t understand the first time. It won’t. If it did, then they would have got it right the first time yes?
QuitTwit…
Accept the fact that you are not the great communicator you think you are. It is only then that you can truly become the great communicator you wish to be. Weird how that works eh.
To spreading ideas worth quitting,
