[Photo credit: PiggyBackHQ]
We all complain. We do it a lot unfortunately, and I’m just as guilty as the next person on this one.
What I also find interesting is the breadth of categories we can complain about. It seems we can find fault with anything and everything.
No subject is off limits whether it be religion, our less significant other (at least when we are whining about them), sex (the act, not the gender), the economy, our weight, the weather, public education, our neighbours, life, or people who complain about people complaining (am I complaining?) just to name a few.
What I don’t think we can really wrap our heads around however, is the frequency upon which we complain. It’s not something we keep a running tab of, but our daily dose of complaints is extraordinarily high.
And if we aren’t careful, it can start to suck the life out of other people. Even if they haven’t consciously put 2 and 2 together (that’s 4, not 22), they have subconsciously figured out that you are a complete energy drain. Subsequently, they begin steering clear of you so you don’t have a chance to ruin what otherwise might be a great day for them.
Not only that, but it is a nasty habit that keeps us perpetually focused on the negative. This ultimately shapes how we see the world and that ain’t a good thing baby.
So how do we quit complaining so we don’t look like a big cry baby? It requires some strategical thinking, but it can definitely be done.
1. Find a way to make peace. We always complain about perceived injustices inflicted upon us. It could be a parking ticket we got unfairly (aren’t they all unfair?), a break up that we didn’t see coming, or an action someone has taken that makes life difficult for us.
I can certainly attest to the latter. I have made a few references in earlier posts to the fact that I quit my job on December 31st, 2008. When I had done so my employer at the time had offered to pay me a month’s severance. This was huge for me as it would give me much needed time to figure out what I was going to do next.
I budgeted appropriately, and then waited for a cheque that never came. While I was assured on two occasions that I would be paid, by April of 2009 I realized it was never going to happen.
To add insult to injury, the same employer refused to give me a T4 slip for the 2008 year (I still have not received one). I did get this rectified with Revenue Canada, but it was an unnecessary pain in the butt at the time.
While publicly I was saying all the right things about this unfortunate series of events, my internal dialogue had eroded into a mini-series of internal arguments about the injustices that had been levied against me.
I finally managed to “hear” myself one day and abruptly realized that these were not thoughts I wanted to focus on any longer because they were keeping me from focusing on all the great things that I could be accomplishing with my life. Since we can only hold one thought in our head at any one time, my logic was, “Why not hold a promising, exciting, vibrant thought in there?”
In hindsight, I was obsessing about something I couldn’t control.
I have no control over what other people chose to do. People do what they think is right, even if they aren’t as far along the evolutionary scale of morals and values as I would like. Aside from letting someone know how I feel about a situation, and taking whatever steps I need to rectify the problems that have been created, I have begun to learn to simply let go and be totally at peace with what is.
2. Accept responsibility for your role in the matter. This is probably the most significant of the eight points. People don’t want to hear this, but the truth is, we play a role in nearly everything good or bad that comes our way. But when the poo does hit the fan, it is always easier to play the role of the victim.
Looking back on the situation I mentioned above, there were two things I should have done.
One, I should not have accepted the offer for the severance. I had a bunch of selfish reasons to justify why I should accept it, but in the end, it conflicted with the moral reasons why I had quit in the first place. I should have had the courage to say no.
Second, I should have worked as a consultant, rather than an employee. I did learn my lesson however, and have since begun doing so.
3. Be aware. It’s amazing how thoughts can show up uninvited like a bad dancing drunk guy on the dance floor. Unlike the drunk guy though, these thoughts go virtually unnoticed as they quietly sabotage the mind and begin to dictate the conversation that is to take place.
Learn to become mindful of when your brain has been hijacked and the conversation has been forced towards complaining. If you are not consciously looking to catch yourself doing it, you will never know you are in fact caught in the complaining loop.
4. Stop venting. People like to preface complaining by saying, “I just need to vent.” Somehow this circular logic suggests this is not actually complaining. News Flash! It’s still complaining. It just sounds better than saying, “Do you mind if I whine like a big baby about how life is beating me up.”
5. Talk in terms of solutions. People complain because it gives them a false sense that they are actually addressing the problem. Some use it as ploy (consciously and subconsciously) to get others to solve their problems for them. I am a sucker for this. Somehow I feel the need to inherit the problems of others and make them my own and try to solve them. Bad Deano. Bad!
Complaining should be seen as early detection that there is a problem. Once you have identified the problem, don’t keep talking incessantly about it. Instead, spend the rest of your time focused on discussing solutions to that problem.
6. Be a self tattle tale. Catch yourself complaining and make a note of it. Include the day and the subject of the complaint. It will help bring to light how often you do complain, and what the nature of your complaints seem to revolve around.
By having some cold hard data at your disposal, you just may discover that you might be doing something that is causing the very thing you are complaining about.
7. Go to the source. Complaining is easy. It takes zero courage to complain about someone behind their back. It takes tremendous courage to confront the source of the complaint in person. In most cases, this is enough to solve the problem completely (there are exceptions of course).
Stephen Covey shares a great example in one of his books about this (I can’t remember if it was 7 Habits or The 8th Habit). He went to the Dean (not me…I am “a” Dean) of the university he was working at to complain about a coworker.
To his surprise the Dean stated he would bring in the colleague in question. Covey was both taken aback and embarrassed that he was now being held accountable for his complaints and being forced to confront the source.
If we aren’t prepared to confront those who are at the core of our complaints, then we should not be at liberty to complain about them when they are not present to defend themselves.
8. Create a visual reminder of your commitment. If you don’t, it will be quickly forgotten, as life has a way to shove aside our best laid plans. I did a bit of research on the subject and discovered a pastor in the United States who actually had rubber bracelets (like Lance Armstrong’s “Live Strong“) made to help keep the goal of not complaining, front and center for his flock-people not sheep. To my knowledge, sheep don’t complain.
You don’t need a bracelet however. It could be a sticky note on the inside of your planner, a text message you send to yourself or it could be the background image you use on your desktop (ie. Quit Complaining).
The one week challenge…
My challenge for this week is to try and go the entire week without complaining. If I slip up, I am going to record it on my new flip video camera I bought. I will then put together a compilation of all my videos into one which I will show you on my Sunday Review so you can find out just how much of a whiny baby I am (I am also curious to see how much I complain).
Your challenge…
I invite you to try this as well. We spend so much time focusing on and trying to solve all these external problems that exist that we virtually ignore the mystery that is us. Why not discover how much you complain and see if you can put a stop to it?
Now that my friends is definitely and idea worth quitting,
Dean
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